not understanding the rules

she never found a pattern that she understood a social structure in which she could detect the parameters people didn’t know how to classify her so tagged her an other eventually she embraced it as her secret identity and then she faked it better made believe that the rules made sense for a while but the truth would slip out she was shunned she was snubbed she was fired she was proposed to

To Hell and (not quite) Back

dear dear. a night spent mostly awake trapped between misery and horror and occasional sleep filled with nightmares. nightmares were better than the waking as moments of joy were truly lovely before being cut short by social and structural boundaries. overall i felt my soul being sucked out of me. a lonely event now, my third attempt at leaving bed and staying afloat, i'm going to wander the apartment contemplating the beautiful and curious curios and see if i can make contact with the universe. for the day i will be but an observer on planet earth.

In my rearranging I have this bowl empty for the first time in years. I made this in a metal working class years ago. We were only allowed to pound metal for the first two weeks on account of it making too much noise. I had just been unceremoniously dumped by a man I had spent 8 years with. I had rage. I cut a piece of copper in a circle and I heated it and hammered, heated it and hammered. My rage rendered the hammering effortless. My rage fueled the creation of something quite lovely. I don't know what it all means. I think I have to go draw it.

Possibility Transference

Out and about to the upper west side for a meeting. Nothing too formal but enough to require matching socks. 

Because I was nearby I stopped at Zabars to get Sugo Rosa sauce which I can't seem to find anywhere else. Zabars was Zabars, a shopping orgy for food and housewares. Such very useful stuff upstairs. I consciously did not buy most of it but marveled at the possibilities. 

If only the possibilities I see in my own life appeared as varied and interesting and useful. Perhaps I should hire their buyer as a life coach.

Or perhaps concentrate on the messages I leave myself on my own walls.

enduring the darkness

enduring the darkness

The days don't grow fast enough but at least the season of forced  festivities is at an end. How very sad we need to be told when to celebrate our lives. Seems we should be able to figure that out on our own. Even sadder we don't keep the lights til February-- it's about keeping the darkness at bay.

Almost every day the world comes to an end for me. The digging out is a bother.

Endurance is built of art and compassion.

kept the day of the dead altar up with our pagan tree.
The color and lights, the remembering sweet things about family and friends gone now from the planet.

remembering how to not concentrate

Just read a blog I started in 2009. I wrote a single post.
It was so sane, smart and insightful--almost serene.

I know I wrote it at a time when my mind was near explosion 24/7. Perhaps I was trying to convince myself but reading now I'm shocked by the polished veneer.

Don't feel sane or smart these days but i am still insightful--not usually concerning anything of a practical nature but i do keep myself entertained with it. 

At 63 I "get" the universe more than the planet or my local life. There are some practical matters I have to deal with locally. I am a bit whacko and should have all printed paperwork taken away from me.Trying to turn over that to my daughter--bit by bit. But she is sane and doesn't want it.

Gave my mind a wandering vacation in the form of doing a jigsaw puzzle over several days. I want to understand more about not concentrating.

Been sleeping too late and having lousy late morning dreams. The dark days are pounding me.